Beneath the Mum Hat
Who Are You Underneath the Mum Hat?
When someone asks, “Tell me about yourself,” what do you say?
Often, we start with our roles: “I’m a mum.” “I’m a doctor.” “I’m a teacher.” “I’m a business owner.” “I’m a grandparent.” These are the roles we carry and the names we are known by. They can bring purpose, meaning and pride, but beneath every title is a person with their own values, strengths, interests, likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams.
Being a mum is a particularly powerful role. A badge of honour! It can shape your whole world. You are essentially trying your best to raise a good human being who can go into the world and do good. It’s a huge responsibility, and it encompasses so many roles - teacher, nurse, cook, taxi driver, banker, psychologist, friend, disciplinarian and so much more. It is probably the only role that encompasses all of these without any formal training!
You care for this human being from the depths of your heart, watch them grow, worry about them, get annoyed with them, laugh with them, guide them and love them in a way that is difficult to put into words.
But who are you underneath the Mum hat?
What do you like? What don't you like? What are your core values? What are your strengths? What do you find difficult? What makes you laugh? What makes you angry? What interests you? What gives you energy? How would you choose to spend your time if nobody needed anything from you? Who are YOU?
You may know exactly who you are.
Or you've probably never really thought about it.
Because life changes, even when we don't want it to
Think about your child's first day of school.
You spent years being the person they turn to for almost everything: the night feeds, the poorly days, the weaning, the feeding, the toilet training, the ironing, the cleaning, the worrying, the helping, the cuddling, the entertaining and the teaching. Then suddenly your little one is standing in line in the school playground, in their new uniform, their bag almost as big as they are, waiting to start their first day of school. Small and vulnerable in this big world.
You've made sure they have everything they need. You've answered their questions, reassured them and given them that final cuddle.
Then you walk away. Maybe in tears.
And of course, your mind starts with the little worries: What if they are upset? What if they can't find the toilet? What if they don't understand? What if they need me? They'll be exhausted. What if they don't eat properly?
The reality is that they are going to spend most of the day without you for at least 190 days of the year - for the next few years!
And you feel emotional because you love them and will miss them. At the same time, you are also proud because they are growing.
Then they grow some more.
The child who once needed you for everything becomes a teenager with their own friendships, opinions and problems. They begin solving things without you. They don't tell you everything, and sometimes their friends know what's going on before you do.
They make their own plans and decisions. They have relationships and friendships that don't involve you. They may stop asking your opinion about every little thing. They may go to university, then get married and build a life where you are deeply loved, but no longer at the centre of the everyday.
And suddenly, you are not part of every decision, every plan or every ordinary detail of their life.
That is exactly what you hoped for. You raised them to become independent and equipped them with the tools they need to live in the world.
This is the cycle of life. Our parents did the same for us, so we can do the same for our children, and they will do the same for theirs, and so on and so forth.
Yet it can still hurt.
When their independence feels personal
This is where identity becomes important.
If so much of your sense of purpose has come from being needed, their growing independence can feel like something has been taken away from you.
You may find yourself waiting for the phone to ring, feeling disappointed when they don't need your advice, taking it personally when they make decisions without you, or feeling hurt when they seem to have more time for friends and their own family than for you.
You might even become more involved in their lives because, somewhere underneath it, you are struggling with the feeling of not being needed as much.
That doesn't make you needy, difficult or a bad mum.
It makes sense.
If being needed has been a big part of your identity for twenty years, suddenly being needed less can feel like a loss of purpose, not simply a change in circumstances.
And this is why it can help to know yourself before those milestones arrive.
You are more than your role
The answer isn't to care less about your children. It isn't to become less involved or to pretend you don't miss them.
It is to have other parts of yourself that are also alive and well: the woman who enjoys walking, loves cooking, wants to learn something new, has friendships and interests, and knows her values, opinions, strengths and ambitions. The woman who perhaps used to dance, paint, read, travel, work, study, sing, garden or play sport.
Maybe some of those things are still part of your life. Maybe they've been forgotten. Maybe you don't know what you like anymore.
That's okay.
This isn't about creating some completely new version of yourself. It's about getting reacquainted with the person who exists underneath the responsibilities.
And there is no guilt in that.
Enjoying something for yourself doesn't take anything away from your children. Having a hobby doesn't make you less devoted. Spending time with good friends doesn't mean your family matters less. It simply means your whole sense of self isn't resting on one role.
Don't wait until the house is quiet
This is the part I would really encourage parents to think about.
Don't wait until your child goes to university to ask yourself, “Who am I?” Don't wait until they get married. Don't wait until the house feels empty. And don't wait until you are struggling with a sense of loss, loneliness or What do I do with myself now?
Start while they are still young.
It doesn't have to be dramatic. Find something that belongs to you. Protect a little time for it. Notice what gives you joy. Spend time with people who know you as you.
Your children will continue to grow, as they should, and your role will continue to change, as it should. But if you have continued to grow too, those transitions don't have to feel like the loss of yourself or leave you relying on your children to give your life a sense of purpose.
Because you will always be Mum. That title is precious, and nothing will change that.
But you are also the person underneath the Mum hat - the woman with her own personality, values, interests, strengths, quirks, hopes and dreams.
So don't wait until your children have grown up to start getting to know her.
Make space for her now. Give her room to grow alongside them. And when the day comes that they need you differently, you won't be left wondering who you are without them. You'll know.